It has become unbearable, cannot stand a minute with them: Dr Payal Tadvi’s chilling suicide note


The three-page note, part of a 1,200-page charge sheet submitted by Mumbai Police, is a damning indictment of the three accused — Hema Ahuja, Bhakti Mehare and Ankita Khandelwal — who have been named in the letter as responsible for the suicide, and may be considered Tadvi’s dying declaration.

Full text of Dr Payal Tadvi's suicide note

Dr Payal TadviDr Payal Tadvi, a resident doctor at Nair Hospital committed suicide on May 22, 2019. She left behind a suicide note in which she named three seniors holding them responsible for pushing her to take the drastic step. Three doctors, Hema Ahuja, Bhakti Mehare and Ankita Khandelwal, are accused of abetting her suicide. In the suicide note that was initially not found and subsequently recovered from her phone, Dr Tadvi claims that she was ‘tortured’ and Nair Hospital did nothing in spite of her repeated complaints. The full text of the suicide note that forms a key part of the prosecution’s evidence against the three accused.

Full text of Dr Payal Tadvi’s suicide note

“I am really sorry mom and dad to take away my life. I know how much I mean to you all and also you are work to me, but no, at this stage everything has become unbearable. I cannot stand a minute with them. From last one year we have been bearing them hoping one day this will end. But now I can only see the end there is no way out of it really I cannot find way out it. I’m stuck each and everyday is similar to as days are just passing off but we are moving nowhere why this is so? What is the personal thing between us that is causing you to trouble us?

I have made this decision after trying everything out. I found out no one is there to stand for us, support us in this department. In fact it is all our fault, or we are at fault has been concluded. I have chosen this branch with all passion cause I always wanted to be gynaecologist. I step into this college hoping I will get to learn under such good institute. But people started showing their colours. Initially me and Snehal didn’t come forward and said anything to anyone. The torture continued to the level that I could not bear. I complain against them but it showed no result. Condition was similar and it was still going on. Now be it a mistake or now we are so teared apart in front of everyone, patients, staff almost everyday.

I have lost my professional life, personal life, everything because it has been declared by them that they will not let me learn anything until they are here in Nair. I have been purposely posted in PMC ward so that I cannot learn about the ANC and Gynec patients. I am prohibited from handling labour room from last three weeks because they don’t find me efficient. I have been asked to stay out of labour room during OPD hours. Also they asked me to do HMIS entry on computer they do not allow me check patients, all I am doing is clerical work.

Despite putting all efforts, still the condition not improving but I am becoming mentally disturbed. Environment is not healthy to work and I’ve lost hope for anything to change cause I know it won’t. No output will come out if standing/speaking up for yourself. I hold Hema Ahuja, Bhakti Mehare and Ankita Khandelwal responsible for condition of my and Snehal. What they have made is today or what they have portrayed us in front of SHO, lecturers head of unit and hea did department. I have tried a lot come forward many times spoke with madam about this but nothing has been done. I literally do not see anyway. I can only see THE END.

With apology to my parents and beloved ones.

I don’t know how Snehal will cope up with these three. I am also sorry to leave you with them.”

The text has been retained as it was written by Dr Payal Tadvi

  1. The chilling suicide not is a testimony of the depth of caste discrimination in higher educational institutions in the country